Reflections on why I want to be a nurse…

I have been reflecting on my earlier post (unless you are a nurse, or a student nurse you may not know that reflection is a BIG part of nursing!) and I guess there are a few more things that I want to say or explain that I either forgot previously or didn’t think of at the time.

I mentioned how business travel meant a lot of long hours etc…I don’t for one second think that nursing is going to be any fewer hours, any less stress or any less work. I also appreciate that in nursing no day is the same, and I do thrive in that environment. I’d get bored if everything was the same all the time and if it wasn’t challenging.  I also do love travel and seeing the world and experiencing different cultures. This planet Earth of ours and the people on it (for the most part) are astonishing.

I guess what I meant to say was that the level of travel that I have experienced has made it very difficult for me to manage my time and work life balance. I don’t have a family (as in partner and/or children – obviously I have a family, Hi mum!) or commitments or anything that ties me to a single place or that may on occasions limit what I can do or where I can go and when, nonetheless, and how could I ever start a family or why would I ever bother buying a house if I’m never in one place for long.. I want a home life for a little while, and if I then decide I want to travel again, so be it, but I can’t make an educated decision if I have only really experienced one side of it in my working life.

I also mentioned that I had learnt a lot of lessons following my stint in hospital. I’m hoping that the things that I learnt will help me in my career as a nurse…by empathising with people’s circumstances and also by sharing my experiences. I can not only relate to how frightening, alone, desperate, anxious, painful, emotional and nerve-wrecking hospital (or any other) treatment/stays can be, but I also know what it feels to come out of the other side.

I know that at times it really does feel like you will never feel better, that you will be institutionalised forever.

I know that initially, it really feels like no-one will ever find out what’s wrong with you because you could never possibly explain every feeling and pain you are experiencing and no-one could every truly understand or know anyway unless they were you.

I know that night time can be truly horrendous and lonely when your loved ones are not with you.

I know that when you start feeling better there will be times when you will feel worse again and you will think that you’ve gone back to square one.

I know that you never go back to square one, not really, and if things are really desperate, there are always ways to make things a little more comfortable, even if not better. All it may take is a hug, or holding someone’s hand, or even an extra blanket.

I know it is hard bloody work when you’re ill to put the effort into getting better, it’s not something that just happens; there is no magic pill which will improve anyone’s health against their will. In my view (and that’s all it is) it is a completely holistic process which requires the body, mind and environment to work together.  1 or 2 out of 3 will not work.

I know how important it is to motivate people into looking after themselves and caring about themselves, even if all that means is taking 10 minutes out each day or putting a bit of lippy on.

I know that sometimes people who you thought were close will distance themselves because they don’t understand, making you feel even more alone and isolated.

I know that keeping your independence and having a voice is crucial to build self-esteem, self-awareness and confidence. It can beyond demoralising, embarrassing and distressing to have assumptions been made about you and your needs and wants without discussion.

I know and understand that there are times when people don’t have the energy or motivation to get better. It saddens me deeply when people seemingly give up on themselves.

I know that for as long as I am able, I will try my hardest to remember what it is like to feel so vulnerable and to provide whatever support necessary to help whoever needs me.

“Act as if what you do makes a difference.  It does. “

~William James

PS –  On a lighter note, I tried a chocolate and bacon cup cake today made by a colleague. It was really delicious!! It sounds a little odd but it was yummy! What with changing careers and willingly trying these ‘experiments’ no-one can say I’m not open to new challenges….and yes, that is crispy bacon on top.

Why do I want to be a nurse?

I have been asked quite a few times recently why I want to be a nurse, or more specifically why the change of career to do nursing, particularly since I don’t seem to be doing too badly in my current job.

In my very first blog post I talked about how I thought nursing was really a privilege. It is really difficult for me to explain that feeling and put into words the exact whys and hows and becauses but I will give it a go, and if that doesn’t work, I will try pictures…you know how good I am at drawing! And if that doesn’t work perhaps I will just use cartoons or videos… Here goes!

I do love people and I don’t like seeing people in pain or discomfort, or unhappy or in any other condition which limits their independence, mobility or well being. I would’t think that many people enjoy watching others suffer in any capacity, but for me, it’s much more than that. I really really just want to help, to do something, anything, to make people’s lives a little bit easier and more comfortable.

Thinking about it, I think to some extent wanting to move to nursing it is bit of a selfish move too. I think nurses will always be needed. I like feeling needed. I like knowing that I have something or know something that can help others. We (the human race that is…. not just student nurses!) are not getting any younger, thinner or healthier and whilst the profession may not always get the kudos it should, there is no doubt that somewhere out there, a nurse is always needed. It may not be in the public sector, or in this country or in the ‘ideal’ specialisation but someone, somewhere, at some point, will need a nurse and well….I want to be there all trained up and ready to go.

The reason I didn’t think of nursing previously is because it just simply didn’t enter my career radar or my life ‘plan’. I always wanted to travel with my job and to learn languages. I have always been really academic and I guess I never really thought about a vocation. I never realised that nursing is now just as academic as most other professions, nor did I think that by being a qualified nurse I would have many more opportunities for world travel and global employment than with most other jobs. In my defence, my life plan was originally set at around the age of 5.

Over time, I have achieved almost everything that I have set my mind to but it wasn’t quite enough. I just didn’t feel rewarded or satisfied I guess. I’m not referring to financial rewards either…money generally has a very short term impact on motivation and satisfaction.

There have been a number of significant events in my life plan so far:

• Whilst I always wanted to see the world with my job. It never really interested me to go travelling independently. That is, until I went to Sri Lanka in 2005 to help in the tsunami relief effort. I could not bear seeing the devastation on TV. Every time I switched channels a few more tens of thousands of people had gone missing or died. I had to do something. Donating money wasn’t enough. So I booked myself on a trip with an American non-profit organisation, arranged my flights and went! I funded everything myself and I couldn’t even tell you how much it cost because I just didn’t care! I helped in orphanages, refugee camps and helped to build houses for affected families. In 2006 I returned to Sri Lanka for more of the same, but I also added a number of other countries to my trip. It opened my eyes. It put everything into perspective. There are people out there who will happily give another person their last bit of food or even the shirt off their backs to make them feel welcome and happy. It was a humbling and emotional experience and something that I will never ever forget. It is the proudest time of my life by a million miles.

• I did get a job which involved travel. It was amazing. I went to as far away places as New Zealand and Australia, to nearer to home places like Milton Keynes and to in between places like LA, New York, Vienna, Stockholm and many many many more. The more I traveled however, the more I wanted to be at home. I missed birthdays, parties, concerts and an endless number of nights out with my friends and family. They stopped asking if i was free on the basis I rarely was. If you think business travel is glamorous think again. It means long days, long periods away from home, immeasurable number of flights, taxis and hotel rooms and for me it even meant perforated ear drums, accidents on escalators and such (I will save that for another blog post one day!). It also meant that I was not there for my friends or family when they needed me. I don’t think I ever let anyone down per se but I felt like a terrible friend, daughter, sister and so on. When I was home I would try super hard and as a consequence I would overcompensate by barely stopping. It was exhausting and I was purely running on adrenaline.
• Whilst trying to catch up with myself and my travel and everything else that was going on I had a spell in hospital where I literally had to reset and learn how to do nothing. I went from running at 100mph to 0mph. It was sooo confusing! My body and mind had no idea what to do with themselves. But it did give me brain space and time. Time to really have a look at myself and my life (cheesy I know!) and reevaluate and prioritise what was important. The nurses and HCAs who looked after me were absolute angels, albeit ‘in comfortable shoes’. They physically and emotionally carried me when I just couldn’t do it by myself. I wanted to be like them.

Those three events in my life have been crucial to where I am now. I now understand that not only am I a lot stronger and braver than I think I am but that I’m also human and that it’s ok to feel vulnerable sometimes. I have the right to have good days and bad days and so does everyone else. I have also learnt that in times of real crisis, I will always be there, hands on; helping, holding, caring, talking, listening, educating, inspiring, doing whatever it takes to make it better.

More importantly, I have learnt that in order to keep myself happy and well, I should try to  do and say more things that ‘fit’ with how I identify and see myself. I really don’t see myself in the corporate world trying to sell software, being away from my family and friends, rushing around and going crazy for something that really isn’t life threatening. I don’t see myself as that person and I also don’t want to be that person. Not any more. I still see myself as a friendly, approachable, a good communicator and an enthusiastic learner and I definitely have a can-do attitude but at this point of my life, I want to use those characteristics in a caring environment. I want to eat humble pie, stay grounded and give back to all those people who are in real need.

That’s why.

What the….?!!!

“It is not how much you do but how much love you put into the doing”
Mother Theresa

I really liked the quote by Mother Theresa and I really thought it was apt for me and this blog.  I really believe in the strength that the heart and love can bring and it has been my love for people, my love for helping and caring for others and my penchant to always always follow my heart which has got me to this point… to this new chapter of my life and well…to this blog.

It seems clear to me now but it has only been a very recent realisation that I could actually follow a profession which would allow me to apply my beliefs on a daily basis! It has not been long at all since I realised that nursing was for me.

I currently work as a consultant for a software company and to many, the move to nursing may seem whimsical, even reckless. Some have even quite proudly told me so. But to me, it’s really not such a big change in mindset. My current job is all about listening to people’s needs, identifying opportunities to improve their daily activities, educating them in better way of doing things, empowering them to think for themselves and improve etc….. when I break it down like this, nursing doesn’t seem so different to me.

Having said that, of course I do realise nursing isn’t quite this simple hence the 3 year degree I’m about to embark on. I will be doing Adult Nursing and to say I am excited is probably a gross understatement. I’m also scared! It has been 8 years since I finished my Business degree and it has been 14 years since I last studied Biology. Last time I started university I was a young fresh 18 year old and this time round I’m a slightly older and frayed 30 year old (at this point feel like I should mention that most people who meet me think I’m around 24-25 yo!!).

I’m mostly excited about learning again. I just love learning and nursing appeals so much because it’s constant ongoing education – you simply cannot continue to be a nurse without showing that you have made personal progress in your profession.  I’m also really looking forward to meeting new people and making new friends. Slightly younger friends but also my age and older friends!

A big part of my nursing journey is reflective practice. This is the ability to look back and assess what has actually happened, why and if relevant, how things can be improved..I’m hoping that this blog will be a big part of that.

I am overwhelmed and apprehensive (in equal measures). I cannot believe that I have been given the opportunity to do this. To study again and to train to do a job which will enable me to care for others in so many ways. I cannot believe that I will be looking after people, complete strangers, who at their most vulnerable point, when they are the most scared, the loneliest and potentially in the most pain, will trust me to care for them implicitly and unreservedly.

Can you think of any bigger privilege? I don’t think I can.