6 C’ing my way through Nursing – Care

Care. Such a little word with such a huge meaning.

My last post about competence/incompetence was a little downbeat I admit. I don’t really feel much better this week, as other things have happened that have made me feel more of the same. I should probably say that in the grand scheme of things, they have been huge learning opportunities and experiences that I will never forget. So in that sense, I feel that I have really grown and developed during this placement and I feel that my care has improved vastly because of it.

That’s what the rational part of my brain says.

The emotive side of my brain is still a little down in the dumps and it not quite as logical and sensible.

I’m the type of person who internalises a lot. I think it’s because I’m a reflective learner and I need lots of time to process situations and get them straight in my head before I verbalise or externalise my thoughts or concerns. I also like to feel strong so people know they can rely on me and so they know I will always be there when they need care and looking after.

Hmmmmm.

A huge part of my decision to change careers was directly related to how my previous job made me feel. I felt too hard, too tough, too cruel at times, and too rational. I can’t remember what it was that I cared for. Nothing probably. But I know that I did not want to be that person. I wanted to be soft (and now cuddly), caring, kind and loving. I wanted to be a better person and the person that I felt was really me.

I KNOW that I care passionately about nursing. I love nothing more than being there for other people and caring for them. That’s what keeps me motivated; knowing that I have done something for someone else and made a difference. When things go wrong or most often than not, when things just don’t go to plan, I feel really….. inadequate.

It frustrates me immensely that I’m not able to nurse properly yet and it upsets me that I don’t yet have the knowledge and skills to do it well. It scares and worries me that I may never get there; that I may never be able to nurse someone as I wish I could and that I may never be the person I hope to be. It really does. Cart before the horse I hear you say! I know I know… I think its because I have never cared for something so very much.

But…I feel that somewhere along the way, I have forgotten that this is still a huge journey for me. That was the whole point. I wanted something different for myself and as people keep reminding me, I am still very much learning. Maybe I’m being a little too hard on myself. But the old me wouldn’t have taken that as an excuse. Old habits die hard.

I actually really feel for my current mentor, who has done nothing but challenged, encouraged and supported me throughout my weeks in placement. She asks me how I’m feeling. I say I’m feeling the same. Down and no longer as confident as I was. I see the concern in her expression and I wish I could tell her something different without tears rolling down my face. But the truth is that really I’m just a little embarrassed; that I’m not as strong as I probably come across, that I don’t know as much as I wish I would, that I don’t deal with pressures as well as I could; that I’m just feeling a little lost. I’m embarrassed that I have no idea how to handle the very vulnerabilities that will allow me become the caring person and nurse I really want to be.

What a huge chunk of humble pie to eat.